Thursday, 15 November 2012

Flash Five: Old Witch

And after the break, local White Witch Olive Hawthorne tells us why, on the occasion of receiving her birthday telegram from the Queen, she isn’t ready to give up the good fight yet.

Are we on yet?

I’m afraid not, Miss Hawthorne, they’ve gone to adverts for a few minutes…

Adverts! Yes, I remember how they interfere with live broadcasts. In the 1990s I had my own television show, you know, on Cable. ‘Miss Hawthorne’s Spooky Moments’… which was a very silly name, I thought…

Yes, we do know, Miss Hawthorne. The DVD compilation has just been released, and that’s what you’re plugging, isn’t it?

My dear child, I wouldn’t know about that. I thought you’d brought me on to say happy birthday and congratulations for getting to a hundred years old. And what a surprise it is that I have, given I’ve spent my whole life fighting dark forces.

Well, yes, of course. Ermm, but you won’t talk too much about dark forces and Satanism and so on, will you? This is a tea time show, you see, and there’ll be kids watching…

Then what do you expect to me discuss, if not my lifetime’s work combating evil, my good woman?

Well, just about being a hundred and not retiring and… you know.

Could I talk about my new book about alien exorcisms, perhaps? And my work for the United Nations? Or Torchwood?

Obviously, nothing too secret. Or disturbing, either, since people will be eating their tea by now.

Oh dear. I don’t think I’m very suitable for your programme at all, my dear. If I can’t talk about the incubus of the Iceni warrior queen? Or the Zygon nest we dug out over in Pembrokeshire? Or the Pyramid in Milton Keynes..?

I don’t think those are on my list… er, no.

I must say, I do think you young people these days are awfully easily upset.

Now, shush. We’re back on air.

Are we? Oh, lovely. I shall do my best to look completely respectable.

Welcome back. Now, forget about black cats and pointy hats, because in the studio this evening we’ve got a genuine witch. Except she’s a lovely white witch who only does good deeds and she’s about to celebrate her hundredth birthday. Miss Hawthorne?! Miss Hawthorne, why are your eyes glowing red like that…?


Oh my god…  Miss Hawth---!!!… !

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