Wednesday, 5 December 2018

My Books of the Year... so far


Alice Wiggins was orphaned and flung into the workhouse as a five year old. Now she’s a ravishing, feisty and plucky, if clubfooted and blind eighteen year old. This Christmas she’s been taken away from her life of poverty by Duncan Prime, the strapping son of a wicked factory owner who has designs not only upon her body but also the marvelous designs she has created for magical new Christmas toys. However, so noxious is the paint being applied to all the toys manufactured by Prime Goods, it is slowly poisoning all of their workers so that they are going out of their minds as the Holiday Season approaches. What’s more, so powerful are their hallucinations that the Christmas toys are actually coming to life and taking revenge on nineteenth century Industrial Britain!

Fifty Shades of Craddock by B. D Essem
 With her rich sauces, garish garnishes and unusual way with stuffing, she is the most powerful and influential TV cook in all the land. The whole country is in thrall to Fanny and so is young Johnny. Having triumphed in a TV cooking competition he soon enters her inner sanctum, and Fanny is intrigued by his deft way with pastry and his cool fingers. Fanny has always had to put romance on the back burner for the sake of her career, yet soon something something is bubbling between her and Johnny... He's dashing and has a very twiddly moustache and she loves the way he gets her all stirred up... But is he just after her dough?

Young, attractive TV presenter Emilia has a problem. She is famous for her intense empathy when interviewing incredibly unlikable people on her morning television show – ‘Woke Up, Britain!’ and somehow she is able to make the public fall in love with even completely twattish horrors. Her show is the one that every single despicable public figure desperately wants to appear on. However, what no one knows is that Emilia has a problem. She goes home at night and drinks a bottle of brandy and then she spends all night pretending to be all kinds of hideous people, stirring up trouble on social media. Enter: Nigel Slope, teenage hacker. He’s uncovered the secret of Emilia’s shit-stirring life and he’s threatening to tell all – unless she marries and gives him sex and everything, plus all her stuff, and also a TV show of his own..!

White Goods by William Bong. 
At first it hardly seemed like a violent uprising at all, but the day that the Hoover turned on Kevin was actually the beginning of the end. Soon all the reconditioned electrical appliances in the shared house are out to kill all the students who live there. The fridge turns everything to poison overnight, the television shows pictures no one ever wants to see, the answer machine plays messages from the dead and the iron steams poor Stephanie's face off. The survivors of this shared house of horror must bond together and pull the plug before the whole lot goes off with bloody big Bang!

JACK SHIT by Derek Vim
Thirty-Second in the Thrilling Pensive series! This time, ex-FBI agent Jack Pensive goes undercover as part of a team of miniaturized surgeons performing an invasive procedure actually inside the US President’s diseased small colon. There’s a crazed tiny terrorist aboard the futuristic ship for this Fantastic Voyage up Shit Creek! But can Jack Pensive work out in time just who the traitor in this crack squad might be before they do something impossibly awful to the Commander-in-Chief’s appalling insides?

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